Sonoma’s mental health pros on helping children cope with trauma

Adults need to be sure they deal with children of different age levels very differently when helping them to cope with traumatic events such as the recent mass murder of 19 children and two teachers in Uvalde, Texas.

“The trauma of 9/11, fires, COVID and now another mass shooting evoke the same responses,” said Janet Cain, a Sonoma clinical psychologist who has practiced for 42 years, with eight years focused on helping children who have experienced trauma and violence. “The harm comes in the form of anxiety and depression, as noted by the American Psychological Association and in my practice. What has changed over the years is the form of trauma. School shootings didn’t exist years ago and are now a constant concern. But my approach is still fundamentally the same. The development of the mind and personality at various ages has not changed.”

She advises, “For preschoolers, do your best to prevent them from seeing TV coverage and minimize conversation about it in front of them. For elementary school age children, do the same, but they will be exposed to it in school. Reassure them that this is extremely rare. High schoolers should be dealt with as young adults. Have honest and rational conversations with them.”

Victoria Rohrer, a Sonoma licensed marriage and family therapist who co-owns Sonoma Valley Family Therapy, also emphasized the need to be very cognizant of children’s age when providing help and support.

“Parents can provide age-appropriate information on what has happened,” she said. “Remember that younger children will process their emotions through play rather than through words and it is important for them to be able to do this.”

Nina Gorbach, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Sonoma Valley who has worked with parents and guardians of bereaved children and teens since 1990, said that it’s also important to realize that children of the same age level may react very differently to trauma, and therefore need to be treated on a case-by-case basis.

“Not all children respond to the same coping strategies,” she said. “Some want to talk, some don’t. Talking about the events in the world, letting your child know you are available and sensitive to the child’s age and development is important. Observing their behaviors, watching for changes, gives us all a key.”

Gorbach says that she uses this same approach in her own practice.

“What is traumatic for one child might not be for another,” she said. “Whatever strategies I may use, my personal approach as a therapist has remained client centered. That is, I recognize every child, every family, as unique and I try to see what that particular child and family need.”

Rohrer has worked for the past three years with parents who have assisted their children to cope with highly publicized tragedies and local disasters.

“Mass shootings can affect a student’s sense of safety and security,” she said. “They can contribute to feelings of anxiety and hopelessness and can affect their ability to concentrate and motivate for the requirements of their daily life. It can cause them to be afraid to go to school.”

Rohrer strongly encourages adults to realize that they need to serve as readily available, receptive role models for their children.

“Sometimes, parents tell their kids they shouldn’t feel a certain way, which can create unnecessary confusion or shame,” she said. “Other times, due to the parents’ own trouble coping, they may not be emotionally available for their kid to process. Kids may then revert inward or seek other unreliable sources of information or support.

“Parents are the model for how to deal with life’s challenges. This does not mean they must be perfect, but they need to be mindful of the methods they use to cope and how they talk about these events and what all of that may teach a child. Therapy is a safe space for parents to be honest about all the good and the bad involved in being a caregiver. It is essential for parents to take good care of themselves so they can be available for their children.”

Cain offers some specific suggestions for parents.

“I know us ‘big pants’ people are enraged and profoundly saddened, but let’s keep our emotions in check around young people,” she said. “Let’s foster our natural resilience. They are looking toward our strength.

Cain continued, “All children thrive on routine and physical support. Foster ongoing interactions with sports clubs’ play dates. Do not discuss sad stories of lives cut short. Do not discuss the political issue of owning assault weapons. If your child or teen is displaying trauma, talk logically. Explain that these events are statistically rare.”

Art projects such as designing a card to send to Texas or composing a story or song, can be helpful from some children at times like this, Cain said, adding that if trauma persists, parents should consult with a pediatrician or mental health professional.

Gorbach said that maintaining consistent routines can also help children.

“Overall, parents and guardians can offer their children a sense of renewed safety, closeness, comfort, routine and structure whenever possible, such as having mealtime and sleep time the same each day and night, and reading stories to their children or together [with them],” Gorbach said. “Picture books with beautiful illustrations for younger children can be soothing. Or an older child can reach to a younger student or elderly neighbor, strengthening a child’s own self-esteem and assuaging a sense of helplessness.

“Simple things like combing one’s hair, brushing one’s teeth, setting the table, planting seeds in a pot or in the yard, or perhaps in a community garden, might help. Working with the earth is grounding and re-connects with life; it can open a conversation. One might want along time, another a chance to be with others.”

Making art at home or taking an art or music class can be nurturing and calming, she said, noting that healthy physical movement — such as engaging in sports, a bike ride, dancing, a walk together in nature and positive play — are examples of activities that calm the nervous system and reduce anxiety.

Gorbach recently spoke with friends in Switzerland who adopted a mother and children from Ukraine. The family had witnessed extreme violence in their homes and schools. Her friends sent a video showing how they created as gentle and loving a space as possible for the family. Her friends did art together with the family’s 7-year-old and the 4-year-old learned new physical skills as he tackled a climbing frame with his Swiss “grandpa.”

“Literally one foot in front of the other, a healthy and beautiful focus in the children’s life was being created,” Gorbach said. “Within a few weeks, the children showed less anxiety, were sleeping better and socializing with other children even without yet sharing a common language, but sharing a common heart. One child with asthma was breathing more easily.”

Rohrer said that in addition to family and friends, schools can also help students to cope with traumatic events by having a designated space for students to process with counselors.

“And often in times of grief and tragedy, it helps to have something to do to direct our pain toward something meaningful,” she said. “Schools could help direct efforts toward creating messages or letters, participation in some kind of advocacy or perhaps planning a fundraiser or event.”

Peter Hansen, video arts and advanced video productions teacher at Sonoma Valley High School, said that the school provides very helpful resources for students.

“Our students at SVHS have a wide variety of options to deal with emotional trauma,” he said. “We have therapy animals when needed, specialized counseling services and of course, the wisdom of their trusted teachers to help process.

“Teachers have an instinct, an innate desire to nurture and protect, which comes out in time of stress, grief or fear. We simply flip the switch from instructor to mentor and allow the students most needing help the time and space they need.”

Hansen added that SVHS is addressing the recent trend in traumatic incidents with long-term solutions such as a wellness center, staff training and specialized counseling.

Dennis Housman, head of the SVHS physical education department, said that he talked with his students about the Texas massacre.

“I think school shootings have such a negative effect on students thinking that schools may not be safe,” he said. “I want students to feel like schools are the safest places to be. I sat down with my students and reminded them that I admire and care for all of them. I said, ‘I don’t always agree with all your actions and the words you choose to use, but I admire and care for all of you.’ Students need to know that adults in their lives care for them.”

Rohrer reinforced the importance of community in helping not only children, but also adults, to deal with such traumatic events.

“Early on in my therapist career, I was part of a county program that responded to local tragedies where I witnessed the healing power of a community that comes together,” she said. “I learned the immense value of listening and of holding space for all the difficult emotions and reactions that come from grief. It is beneficial to remind people that their responses are normal; meaning anger, sadness, confusion, disbelief, numbness, depression, apathy, fear and anxiety are all common experiences.

“I encourage people to take the space they need to feel their emotions without judgment, and to remember their body will not give them more than they can handle. It is essential to lean on our supports and to be kind to ourselves. Each person I meet with teaches me something more and I am constantly in awe of the resilience of individuals, no matter the level of significant hardship or pain.”

Reach the reporter, Dan Johnson, at daniel.johnson@sonomanews.com.