Helpful holiday songs this season

Ah, the holidays. Family gatherings, high hopes and expectations, unfamiliar angst, and the annual question: Where did I put the menorah?

Before the opening of the gifts, the Airing of the Greivances, and the ever-popular Feats of Strength, the well-prepared host should compile a carefully curated playlist of holiday songs. Here are some suggestions.

A song for carving

For the designated turkey carver who might use the tried and true “shake the leg” method to determine if the bird is cooked, a loud playing of Maria Muldaur’s “It Ain’t the Meat, It’s the Motion” would be ideal. Fair warning: a meat thermometer is a much better method to determine if the meat is done, and playing this absolutely swinging song will make it difficult to get the guests into their seats to chow down.

Song most likely to cause INMI

The clinical name of the earworm phenomenon is involuntary musical imagery (INMI). In the earworm category, perhaps “Feliz Navidad” gets the nod as most likely to rattle around your noggin for days. Recorded by Jose Feliciano, who had a role in the movie “Fargo,” it has become one of the most popular and widely sung Christmas songs. It is Feliciano’s biggest hit, followed closely by his cover of the Doors’ “Light My Fire.”

“Feliz Navidad” might also take the cake as the song with the lyrics most likely mangled by your guests after the ukuleles are brought out.

A song to motivate your guests to grab their coat

If the gathering has run its course and it is time for the guests to pack up their goodies and get out, but nobody is budging, it is time to bust out the William Shatner records. The “Star Trek” megastar has recorded several albums, proving, by extension, that anybody can be President of the United States.

Shatner’s career includes TV shows, movies and books. Inexplicably enough, he has also dabbled in music. The guy actually has eight albums to his credit.

Just for fun, Shatner recently took a joyride on Jeff Bezos’s “Blue Origin” rocket ship. But it’s his music that’s out of this world, or other worldly. Shatner’s spoken-word vocal style is like that of Eeyore after he trashed in his tryout for a role as one of Santa’s reindeer. And Shatner is actually dressed as Santa on the cover of his album, “Shatner Claus, The Christmas Album.” Generously categorized as “pop” -- what else could they call it? – the album is star-studded. Credited are Brad Paisley, Judy Collins, Iggy Pop and Rick Wakeman, among others. An astonishing “highlight,” one to get people digging through the pile to find their coat, is Shatner singing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” with ZZ Tops’s Billy Gibbons. Yuletide yikes.

Song to cause, or settle, an argument

The controversial song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” now a hot topic of the cancel culture, was awarded the Oscar for Best Song in 1950 (“Neptune’s Daughter,” staring Ricardo Montalbon and Esther Williams). It has been covered and played millions of times. It is on Time magazine’s list of 100 top all time songs.

But what was in her drink? Even after the promiscuous WWII era, the song was a bit risqué. In the movie, a tipsy Williams tries to stand up from the couch, only to have Montalbon grab her arm and pull her back down.

An intelligent conversation about the merits of the #MeToo movement with regard to this song might be too much of a stretch, so perhaps just call Uncle Kevin an Uber and hope for the best.

Song to make someone pull the fire alarm

“The 12 Days of Christmas” was first published in England in 1780, without music and performed as a chant. There have been at least 22 different versions of the lyrics over the years, each making a subtle change to make the song even better. The 1900 version contained “seven squabs a-swimming,” a lyric that hit the round file after four years. After all, squabs cannot even swim.

1905’s “10 asses racing” only lasted two years, to be replaced by “10 pipers playing.” The change thankfully cut down on the giggling among the Victorian era carolers. Too much like “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall,” if played this cumulative song could cause another new verse to be written, “10 guests a-groanin’.”

Best song to make things bright

It is impossible to select one song as the best holiday song, but today I will go with “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree,” by Brenda Lee. The song was written by Johnny Marks, who also wrote “Holly Jolly Christmas” and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”

Marks selected Lee to sing the song, despite her being only 13 years old at the time. The 1958 recording session included a who’s who of country artists: Hank Garland (Elvis Presley, Roy Orbison) on guitar, Floyd Cramer (Elvis, Patsy Cline) on piano, Buddy Harman (Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis) on drums, and Bob Moore (Elvis, Orbison) on bass. Yep, basically Elvis Presley’s band was backing up a 13-year-old vocal wunderkind. Early rock ‘n’ roll alchemy.

All flippancy aside, adding a dose of music almost always makes things bright. Think about the songs you want to hear during the holidays and make a list. But do check it twice. Feliz Navidad!