Film review: ‘Captain America: Civil War”

“Captain America: Civil War” is an indeterminate product, a mishmash of teasers for Marvel Universe sequels and spinoffs, full of sequences designed to translate well to amusement park rides. There are multiple climaxes but no ending, even as the run time extends indefinitely - it’s like watching a two-and-a-half-hour trailer for the threateningly-titled “Avengers: Infinity War,” full of first rate violence and third grade jokes.

Much of the carnage occurs in locations where Hollywood finds disposable people: airports, Nigeria. Amidst some hand wringing over collateral damage, the Avengers are tongue-lashed by the Secretary of State (William Hurt and his mustache). Describing the Avengers - or Marvel Studio execs - he decries, “Unlimited power, no supervision,” and asks the superheroes to sign an accord limiting the scope of their activities.

There are arch scenes of Iron Man cajoling Captain America to rein it in that feel more like Robert Downey Jr. laughing at Chris Evans’ sad, James Van Der Beek-ian attempts at acting. But Cap won’t sign because he fears the restrictions will endanger his chum Bucky, aka the Winter Soldier (Sebastian Stan), a real good guy who occasionally turns into a Soviet killbot after hearing a string Russian nouns and adjectives. It’s a callback to the Cold War, the ‘50s, the last time America was comfortable with itself.

Bucky and Captain America have an interesting reminiscence of downing hot dogs on Coney Island as boys and the homoerotic subtext is thick enough that Cap must immediately restore a heteronormative state with a tepid kiss for his dead friend’s young blonde niece (Emily Vancamp).

The lesser Avengers take sides - which are irrelevant and could be based on those who have masks entirely covering their faces and those who do not - and soon the indestructible tin cans are hammering away at each other. In addition to relying on the standard comic book movie crutch that seriousness is the same thing as drama, co-directors Anthony and Joe Russo use warp-speed editing to mask their spatial incoherence.

This movie has narrative the way kids mashing the keypad at an arcade game has narrative. The only response to excess is further excess and one can imagine the (all white male) writer’s room as they spitballed plot twists: “The movie is humorless, let’s bring in Paul Rudd/Ant-Man to smirk at people!” “We haven’t done enough for our other franchises - let’s add Spider-Man and have Iron Man reduce Aunt May to a sexual object!”

With no Thor (this is the rare bad recent film in which Chris Hemsworth does not feature) or Hulk, “Civil War,” leans on slender secondary characters like Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), who mostly gives hugs and pats backs like the protagonists are children fighting at recess, and Vision (Paul Bettany), who uses unlimited superpowers to behave like a butler (presumably because of his English accent).

The marketing campaign (which is inextricable from the movie) knows the biggest questions in 2016 boil down to hashtags: Are you on #TeamCap or #TeamIronMan? #TeamArt or #TeamPopularEntertainment?

The only real rooting interest is that a character might die so the actor can be released from the franchise. For instance, when a wounded Don Cheadle casts away his War Machine mask, he shows a flicker - like light over water - of the fine actor he can be. Perhaps it was his windfall from “Captain America: Civil War” that allowed him to write, direct, star in and produce “Miles Ahead,” a film about an artist made by an artist. Go see that.

“Captain America: Civil War” is at Sonoma 9 Cinemas. Rated PG-13. Running time 2:26.