Author to speak in Sonoma on his wife’s mental illness

A free talk by the author of, ‘My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward.’|

Nine years after first meeting his future wife Giulia, Mark Lukach had to check her into a psych ward where she stayed for 23 days. For nine months after his wife’s discharge, Lukach took on the role of caregiver before the Giulia he knew was back. Two years later, just months after their son was born, she had another mental health episode.

“It really came into our lives like a wrecking ball,” said Lukach. “It forced us to reconsider a lot of aspects of our lives and how we deal with each other.”

Lukach will speak at the Presentation School on Tuesday, Nov. 7, at 7 p.m. as part of the school’s topical speaker series. He plans to discuss his own personal experiences, and lessons learned that might help other families in times of stress and challenge. “Every relationship has to confront crisis in some way or another,” said Lukach.

In the wake of the wine country fires, Lukach’s lessons may seem particularly relevant.

“A trauma like that can be a real destabilizing event in a family,” said Lukach. “How do you recenter your family in a way to help each other?”

He also plans to speak to some of the lessons he has learned about self-care. “When Giulia was first hospitalized, a friend brought up the airplane analogy,” he said. “When you’re on the plane, and the masks come out, you have to put your own mask on first. I used to think this was really selfish when I was a kid. But if I became so burned out taking care of Giulia, I’d be doing her more harm than good.”

Now, Lukach is a teacher and the ninth grade dean at the Athenian School in Danville. His son is 5 years old.

“It was the worst thing that ever happened to us, and we would never want it to happen to anyone else,” said Lukach. “But we wouldn’t take it away either because of how much we’ve learned and grown.”

Part of this was through his writing, which he initially began as a way to process and heal from the experience.

After Giulia found a support system with some people who spoke openly and vulnerably about the mental health challenges they had faced, she and Lukach both realized that there was “so much power in sharing.” This, combined with the suggestion of Lukach’s friends who work in media that he should publish a book, brought him around to the idea of sharing their experience.

He submitted his first piece, “Out of the Darkness,” to the New York Times’ Modern Love column, and it was published in 2011. An expanded article in the Pacific Standard in 2015 became one of the magazine’s most read articles of the year.

For years, Lukach balanced his career as a teacher, and role as a husband and father, with his writing. “It was a lot of very long emotional nights,” said Lukach. “But it was worth it. We healed a lot as a couple by confronting these really traumatizing memories together.”

The full book, “My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward,” was released on May 1. It was a bestseller in Canada within the first week, and received a coveted New York Times book review. Meghan Daum wrote of the memoir, “Lukach’s rare combination of tenderness and ruthlessness is what makes this book more interesting than your typical illness narrative.”

“It’s been totally overwhelming and super humbling,” said Lukach. In addition to the New York Times review, “The Today Show,” The Guardian, the Toronto Star, and the New York Post all covered his experience.

“I felt so alone as a caregiver,” explained Lukach. “I think the public reception being positive was really validating that this is a book that was needed.”

Lukach was invited to talk at the Presentation School by the head of school, Scott Parker. “We worked together when Giulia was first hospitalized, and became friends,” Lukach explained. Past speakers participating in the series include “Boys Adrift” author Leonard Sax, “The Gift of Failure” author Jessica Lahey, and the co-founder and executive director of Girls Leadership, Simone Maren.

Tuesday’s event is free and open to the public, but donations can be made to the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Copies of the book, “My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward,” can be purchased at Readers’ Books.

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