Elders Salon offers seniors chance to be ‘experts' in life

Discussion group meets monthly at El Verano School|

Wisdom, empathy and a genuine interest in one another’s lives are all evident when the Elders Salon Sonoma gathers to discuss topics pertinent to those in their later years. The group meets monthly and provides a unique opportunity for older folks to talk among themselves about the challenges and rewards of aging.

“Essential risks” was the subject for November, with each of about 20 attendees sharing a risk they are facing, or have faced, ultimately allowing the group to hear comments on a very broad range of topics. Meetings begin with a specific example of the month’s topic offered by the facilitator. An example for “essential risks,” for instance, might be: If you enjoy walking in the dark alone at night, is the “edgy pleasure” worth engaging in an activity that might be considered unsafe? Does the essence of the experience outweigh the danger?

That question at the November salon served as a springboard to whatever risk participants wanted to address, each speaker receiving the complete, quiet attention of the group. The intention, say salon leaders, is to have the opportunity to share without judgment. There are no comments like, “I don’t think you should do that,” or advice offered, just a nodding of heads (and a few hugs) as people speak of such weighty issues as the emotional ache of downsizing and leaving a longtime home, or the combined joy and risk of lending money to adult children.

At the November meeting, someone acknowledged that being able to walk comfortably again overrides the fear and risk of hip replacement surgery, and another said that the risk of leaving a longtime marriage was, for her, the right decision.

In telling their stories, ideas were expressed that exemplify what’s been learned by living a long life. Overheard were statements like, “Life is not certainty, life is uncertainty”; “If you want to know peace you better find peace in yourself,” and “Growing food is a component of community life.”

Trymon Hunter and Iris Lombard started the salon in June of 2015. Hunter had participated in an elders salon in Sebastopol for 10 years, and wanted to bring the idea to Sonoma, where he and Lombard, his wife, have lived for 40 years.

“Essentially we are exploring the maturing process of being our age,” said Hunter, who is 70 and Lombard is several years younger. “There is an excitement in the group. A lot of bright eyes.”

The first challenge was to find a free space to meet, and they are delighted to be using the Family Resource Center at El Verano Elementary School. There is a topic for each two-hour meeting, which is announced in advance. Previous topics have included: self-esteem, vulnerability, gratitude, regrets, work, play and unexpected lessons. The first-ever topic was “What is an elder?”

“Elder is a word we are trying to reclaim. It used to be something to be proud of, a person who had wisdom. The time to sit and observe,” Lombard said. “Now older people are pushed away and we live in a youthful society. We are reclaiming our worth.”

The oldest regular attendee is 90, and the youngest is 53. The majority are 60 to 70, but elder is “self-defined.” The group has been so successful they now also get together a second time each month for coffee and informal conversation at the Community Café. The group’s written statement of purpose is, “to synthesize the experience, energy and curiosity of people who are discovering this development state of their lives. We are a nonhierarchical group, recognizing that each person is their own expert and we will not be relying on experts from outside.” The group encourages personal discovery and diversity of expression, fostering growth for both individuals and the entire group.

“The reason to come is to have a chance to talk to one another for emotional and intellectual stimulation. A way to connect,” Hunter said.

Lombard emphasizes that it is a “discussion group” – the idea isn’t “that you need help.”

“We don’t give advice on say, how to manage finances. This is about the spiritual nuts and bolts of life,” Lombard said. “The best thing for me has been meeting these wonderful people.”

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