“Star Wars: The Last Jedi,” a fan service film from the franchise that launched fan service films, wants to be that middle-of-the-trilogy critic’s favorite like “The Empire Strikes Back.” It’s unclear whether director Rian Johnson remembers that the 1980 picture is also the most nap-inducing of the “Star Wars” movies.
“The Last Jedi” is spread over multiple storylines - many signature wipe transitions are needed. First Order Supreme Leader Snoke (Andy Serkis cloaked in CGI that makes him look like Toby Jones after an acid attack) is ready to finish the Resistance once and for all - his legions are merciless, his throne room décor is an unforgiving red, and he has a lot of thoughts about eliminating “the seed of the Jedi.” Despite the massive power of the First Order, the military brass is vulnerable, with General Hux (Domhnall Gleeson) mucking up and Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) behaving like a petulant teenager.
Aboard the fleeing Resistance mothership, Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) is his old self, hammering the opposition in his X-wing and mansplaining guerilla warfare to his superiors Gen. Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher) and Vice Admiral Holdo (Laura Dern). The latter has a bizarre role, as Holdo must balance the machismo of the “trigger happy flyboy” and lead a tough escape mission, all while styled and behaving like a depressed flamingo. She doesn’t faze Dameron for long however - throughout the film, men move swiftly from emasculation to killing sprees.
Elsewhere, Rey (Daisy Ridley), that precocious Force-wielder, is looking for her AirBnB on secret planet Ahch-To, when she runs into some crabby guy called Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) who is obviously lacking sufficient access to skin care products and antidepressants. He lives with some amphibious novitiates, milks the swollen teats of creatures that resemble land manatees and listens to the cries of puffin-like creatures called porgs. He is first surly and unhelpful to his wannabe charge, but eventually agrees that she can check out “the sacred Jedi texts” and hear his exhortations, e.g. “Reach out with your feelings!”
Rey does, and quickly establishes a telepathic bond with Kylo Ren. Using the Force, they are able to lock eyes from afar - most often she cries and he sweats while rehashing their endless obsession with their parentage.
Finn (John Boyega) has a sense of duty and a real big crush on Rey so he decides to go find her. He’s assisted by the best character in the film, Rose (Kelly Marie Tran), a latrine cleaner and Resistance fangirl who heard the Finn legend from “A Force Awakens” and gets to be disappointed by hanging out with the real man. She becomes her own hero when she travels with him to a planet resembling Monte Carlo, which features rich, intergalactic arms dealers - they’re the only happy characters in the whole film, probably because they get to drink. One piggy little alien stuffs ducats into BB-8, thinking him a slot machine.
Finn and Rose must acquire a codebreaker to give the swiftly dwindling numbers of the Resistance a chance to escape and, with their top choice unavailable, they go with DJ (Benicio del Toro) a cipher who seems cool just because he’s played by Benicio del Toro.
Johnson’s pieces add up to some fun sprints and many dull stretches, culminating in the contemporary action film standard of dual climaxes, in this case separated by First Order and Resistance fighters alike delivering boilerplate motivational speeches.
As you watch good guys get picked off one after the other, you realize there aren’t many adults left… but they’ve inspired a legion of children, some of whom wear chic Resistance accessories that we instantly covet.
In the “Star Wars” universe, the street urchins will save us with the logos on their club rings.
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