Because it tries to be an uplifting film about the brutal history of Belgians in the Congo, “The Legend of Tarzan” has quite a tough road to hoe. Nevertheless, it guilelessly dives - pith helmet first - into the mists of the diamond mines.
The movie begins with King Leopold’s diabolical aide-de-camp Leon Rom (Christoph Waltz, barely restraining the urge to twist his mustache). The actor continues his streak as the pan-European-accented super-villain of choice from “Inglourious Basterds” to “Spectre” to this bête noire - he carries a dual-purpose rosary/garrote to show his devotion… to murderousness!
He sells his diamond-mining plot as “job creation,” but it’s actually slavery. Some things never change. Who will stop him?
The thing is that Tarzan (Alexander Skarsgård), protector of the realm, has been bundled off to London and rebranded as a lord, albeit one who walks on all fours to amuse small children. As John Clayton, Tarzan tries to raise a gnarled pinky finger when taking his cup of tea, which doesn’t impress his cross and cosseted wife Jane (Margot Robbie, in a deeply useless role), who preferred their life in the Congo. John and Jane are pressed to return to Africa by an improbable American envoy called George Washington Williams (Samuel L. Jackson, who, if nothing else, is very good at pronouncing the name “Tarzan” over and over).
“The Legend of Tarzan” director David Yates, who previously helmed the final four films in the “Harry Potter” series, is redoubling his efforts here to corner the market on movies based on wildly overrated children’s books.
Despite a woozy, whiplashing camera and countless long shots of CGI scenery, there is an oppressive airlessness in every environment, and a strange, dusky lighting scheme like the whole thing was shot from inside a closet, with all the wildness of a green screen in a studio backlot (no actors were on location in Gabon, where some of the film was shot).
So Tarzan looks patently false as he goes Dr. Doolittling his way through the jungle, communing with apes, lions, elephants, even leafcutter ants. He woos the missus to bed with the mating call of the mandrill (always a good one to have in your back pocket) in a cringe-inducing sequence of back-to-nature claptrap.
The wily Rom manages to kidnap Jane and plans to deliver her to his leopard-headressed collaborator Chief Mbonga (Djimon Hounsou). Tarzan and his reunited simian foster family chase after, which leads to the presumably accidental but nonetheless unfortunate optics of silverback gorillas visually conflated with the chief’s chalk-dusted warriors.
As he pants along behind his wife and her kidnapper, Tarzan displays more muscle and less clothing (fans of HBO’s “Generation Kill” will be pleased to find Skarsgård continues to look quite well stripped to the waist). Luckily the narrative takes place in a time before forests were clear-cut, so there is still an abundance of vines from which he may swing.
The apparent goal of the film was to rewrite colonial history, always a tough task for a protagonist who mostly grunts and nuzzles wild animals. The defiance of Tarzan and the Congolese people - not to mention the wildebeests - is fitfully stirring but, spoiler alert: it still doesn’t end well.
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“The Legend of Tarzan” is showing at the Sonoma 9 Cinemas. Rated PG-13. Running time 1:49. Visit www.cinemawest.com.
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