Film review: ‘X-Men: Apocalypse’

No, you haven’t already seen this one. It just seems that way.|

Perhaps the only surprising thing about “X-Men: Apocalypse” is that there hasn’t already been a movie with that title in this franchise of interminable cataclysm. Though, of course, this post-colonic refers to the capital-A Apocalypse, “the first mutant” and villain of the piece.

Apocalypse (a CGI creation that sometimes resembles the actor Oscar Isaac) grows more powerful by absorbing the powers of other mutants, starting with ancient Egyptian deities in the pyramids and continuing with contemporary Cairene freaks in the streets.

On his path to (comic book) world domination, director Bryan Singer trundles along in a similar way, absorbing characters in this series of prequels to his 2000 film “X-Men.” The previous flick, “Days of the Future Past,” took us to the ’70s and “Apocalypse” brings us to the ’80s. What does this mean? The Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams,” for one.

Eventually, one supposes, the young actors in the semi-reboots will transform into their older counterparts. This career arc works out OK for James McEvoy, whose Charles Xavier becomes Patrick Stewart, and rather less fortunately for Jennifer Lawrence, whose Mystique becomes Rebecca Romijn-Stamos.

Faced with that grim end, Lawrence wastes few words: “Let’s go to war,” she tells a new crop of teenage X-People. There’s Jean Grey (Sophie Turner, apparently nursing the same perpetual headache she has as Sansa Stark on “Game of Thrones”), a baby-faced Cyclops (Tye Sheridan) sporting ugly – but Ray-Ban-sponsored – ruby goggles to contain his lasering eye, and Nightcrawler (Kodi Smit-McPhee) a teleporting German hipster with an indigo devil’s tail.

But the heart of the film is probably the fleet-footed Quicksilver (Evan Peters) - the nerd-who-literally-lives-in-parents’-basement hero, a self-described “loser,” the broadest stereotype of the franchise-sustaining fanboy - who saves the day.

These forces are marshaled against Apocalypse and his sulky sidekick Magneto (Michael Fassbender), who spends an extraordinary amount of time crying for a wannabe world destroyer. He’s too wishy-washy on the subject of Apocalypse’s logically-sound and plausible plan to end humanity and leave the planet to the mutants.

Professor Xavier - whose powers are psychic not physical - is given the difficult task of trying to save the Earth while lying on a rug wearing a lilac-colored cashmere sweater. He mostly holds an index finger to his temple and hopes Apocalypse will stop being such a jerk.

But why exactly? This evildoer achieves global nuclear disarmament in a trice, a nice accomplishment in the era of “Star Wars” (both the “Return of the Jedi” and Ronald Reagan versions). Sure, he’s going to kill us all, but isn’t that Darwinism at it’s best?

In what is now an indispensable convention of Marvel scripts (and the reason the films are two and half hours long), action pauses with the planet hanging by a string so that the X-Men can free Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) from black site bondage. He serves no narrative purpose but runs off screen directly toward a sequel.

“X-Men: Apocalypse” is showing at the Sonoma 9 Cinemas. Rated PG-13. Running time 2:24. Visit cinemawest.com.

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