Film review: ‘The Huntsman: Winter’s War’

One of the many ways in which “The Hunstman: Winter’s War” strains credulity is that it’s both prequel and sequel to “Snow White and the Huntsman.” It begins with evil queen Ravenna (Charlize Theron) being a very bad aunt to the baby of her sister Freya (Emily Blunt), skips over the part from the 2012 film where Kristen Stewart’s Snow White kills people with a sword and picks up years later, with Ravenna vanished and Freya presiding over an ice palace in the great white north.

Freya shares with Ravenna superpowers, dark brows, flaxen hair and an affinity for dressing in metallics. Because of the loss of her child, Freya has a simple mission statement for her subjects, who are for the most part recently-minted orphans: “Do not love.”

A fine sentiment. But abstinence-only sex education often leads to horny misunderstandings – as her two finest huntspeople, Eric (Chris Hemsworth) and Sara (Jessica Chastain), soon discover. Their romance leads to their expulsion from the kingdom where, apparently, they decided as kids to speak Lucky Charms leprechaun accents just for fun - a sample reaction to Freya’s ongoing genocide: “she’s a wee bit grumpy.”

Their goal is to secure the mirror (mirror, on the wall) before it falls into Freya’s chill grip though, for two specially-trained warriors, they spend a lot of screen time chaperoning a dwarf double-date through the forest. As charming as Rob Brydon can be, it’s disappointing to learn that neither he nor the other sidekicks are played by actors who are in fact little people.

One wonders how it is that Freya can fill the sky with icy owl drones that see everything, distort the vision and memory of anyone, scare the britches off her enemies by arriving to battle sitting sidesaddle on a sabre-toothed snow leopard, but still struggle to take the mirror from two mere mortals who speak like Irish peasants.

The “Hunstman” trailer promised that the action was mostly Freya and Ravenna having a white and gold vogueing contest, but sadly the sisters share no screen time in the yawning middle of the film. Director Cedric Nicolas-Troyan has little sense of craft or coherence, but that’s not to say some people associated with the movie shouldn’t be proud of their work - the wig-braiding professionals earn their keep.

Theron is the only actor who arrived with a proper understanding that camp appeal is the only possible appeal - she outdoes Blunt as a black-blooded anti-sentimentalist. She also has better eye makeup, which helps distract us from the abysmal lines she recites from a hacked together script. One day, blockbusters will be composed only of discarded pages from other blockbusters.

Summer cinema, which now begins in mid-spring, again offers little but the tedium of waiting for all-seeing and all-powerful antagonists to be handed a temporary defeat by handsome white men.

“The Hunstman: Winter’s War” is showing at the Sonoma 9 Cinemas. Rated PG-13. Running time 2:03. Visit cinemawest.com.