Sonomantic Sonoma and the Tile of Denial

According to Travel + Leisure, Sonoma ranks No. 8 among “America’s Most Romantic Cities.” Apparently we have myriad “couples-friendly enticements,” which sounds more like a Craigslist “casual encounters” ad than is probably meant.

Besides enticements, the magazine cites Sonoma’s “noted lack of kids” as contributing to our romantic ranking. Naturally, there are kids in Sonoma – somewhere, I bet – but they’re not allowed to fraternize with the grown-ups who visit.

This could all change tonight. A Retail Advertising and Marketing Association’s Valentine’s Day Consumer Intentions and Actions Survey suggests that 11,000 kids might be conceived on this most auspicious of days. Incidentally, that’s about the same number as the population of the City of Sonoma-proper. At first glance, this numeric symmetry brought to mind some interesting mathematical possibilities if everyone in town got it on tonight. Then I remembered that the total number of women of childbearing age in town is, like, five, and they’re all single and openly kvetch that the total number of acceptable male breeding partners in town is, like, three. And one of those guys is gay. Another is married. And the last one is just scared.

Dating in Sonoma isn’t so much a contact sport as it is a kind of mind game that requires someone else’s body. And yours too, if you’re lucky. This leads to semantic anomalies around handy verbs like “screw.” The difference in the progressive aspect, “screwing,” and the past-tense, “screwed,” can indicate the relative success of one’s evening. To wit, one can get screwed-over, however, it’s difficult to get screwed-under, though many in town are purportedly under-screwed – if the stoop-shoulder dregs shuffling out of Steiner’s at 2 a.m. are any indication.

Surely, somewhere there’s a mating manual called the Sonoma Sutra. In it there are sexual positions cultivated over the decades by the Sonomans of yesteryear. These include the “back at ya” wherein both partners, after a night of drinking, lie on their backs and hope the spinning of the room lands one atop the other.

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