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Name that book: I came, I saw, I drank?

As I've mentioned previously in this column, I'm in the midst of releasing a collection of wee paeans-to-pleasure and to my so-called wine country lifestyle. The problem is I don't have a title.

This is a common problem with me: in the "name game" I'm a perpetual loser. I'd forget my own name if it weren't printed in a byline somewhere. Names of books, films, close friends - you name it and I'll forget it. You know that movie with that guy? Yep, that's me.

Unfortunately, this problem extends to naming things myself. Hence my book has no title. If I had a dog he'd be "Here boy!" My toddler, until recently, was simply called "For the love of god child, stop crying and go to sleep." Now, I mostly call him "No!"

So, here's my proposal: Name my book and I'll send you a $100 gift certificate to the girl and the fig. This is not a contest or a sweepstakes, nor is it endorsed by this publication or the providers of the award. It's a cheap way to crowd-source a proper title without having to pay a marketing consultant, who's going to tell me what you're going to tell me but for 10 times the price.

The winning title will be selected by a committee of my close advisers (who will hopefully be wearing name tags when next we meet). You can submit your suggestions via the comments section on SonomaNews.com, Facebook.com/daedalushowell and Twitter.com/fmrlcom or email me (visit FMRL.com/contact). You also must understand that your name might grow into a multi-billion dollar brand for which you will have no claim other than bragging rights, having been compensated with the princely sum of "lunch." At least it's a fancy lunch. Word is the guy who named Google got a bagel dog and his parking validated.

Before you submit your brilliant title suggestions please check out the titles below that have already been rejected and why. This will help both of us save time and face.

"Wine & Bitch" was vetoed, not least of which because my pals thought it sounded more like the memoir of a snarky female wine blogger who eventually finds true love after a series of disastrous (and hilarious!) dating misadventures. And, yes, my friends are THAT specific with their critiques. Also, Google Ads wouldn't allow the b-word as a keyword in its advertising and "Wine & B*tch" looks like what happens after Dagwood's had a few too many.

Wine puns should be avoided in general unless you're printing aprons. To wit, "Vidi, vici, vino" (crappy Latin for " I came, I saw, I drank wine") is disqualified, and also because no one speaks Latin apart from priests who would only be buying my book to burn it.

 "Moonraker," is already the title of a Bond flick, but thanks for that. "Purple Asphalt" goes in the "boozin' and cruisin'" file, which also includes, "To Live and Drive in Wine Country." That file is circular, by the way. Patriotic themes such as, "Wine Country 'Tis of Thee" will be considered acts of treason, as will nautical themes like, "How to Build a Relationship in a Bottle," and "Moby Grape: The Search for the Great White Wine."

Gags on existing titles such as "Appointment in Sonoma," instead of Samarra and, "Through a Wine Glass, Darkly" sans "wine" are cute but won't cut it with anyone outside of a college English seminar. Also titles that comment on the author, like "Genius in a Bottle," though accurate, will likely be rejected by my wife who apparently knows otherwise.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time and/or responsibility for naming this book. After all, it's on your nightstands, coffee tables and bathrooms shelves that this tome will find its home, so please make it something you don't mind looking at until your next drop off at the Church Mouse.

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Daedalus Howell blogs at SonomaReporter.com.