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A wooden sword and piracy in the Plaza

 

She did not have an eye patch, a parrot or a wooden leg, but she did have a wooden sword and either the dream, the hope or the besotted illusion of being a pirate.

There is no evidence in the police report that 24-year-old Eva Stevens, a resident of Felton, said words like "Aaarrrrgghh," "Shiver me timberrrs," "Avast!," or "Bucko."

But she did reportedly use some unprintable salutations before wielding her pirate sword in the Plaza around 6:30 p.m. on March 30.

It all began when Stevens and her boyfriend, a 26-year-old Sonoman, had commenced to consume considerable portions of some powerful potion, though there is no evidence that their beverage of choice was rum. They nevertheless managed, police reported, to become sufficiently intoxicated to lower the plank on their emotions. The boyfriend became embroiled in a bout of what police called, "mutual combat" with a third member of the party, a frequent devotee of the Plaza rose garden was also considerably well-oiled.

As the two men struggled, Stevens took it upon herself to intervene in a manner consistent with her mood. She lifted the wooden sword and smote the third party on the head hard enough to split the sword asunder. Her weapon wrecked, she then grasped her boyfriend's skateboard from the ground and used it to whack the reeling target of her rage a second time.

Police were summoned and arrived in time to find the assaulted one with a blood-covered face, a two-inch gash on his forehead in need of stitches, along with a sizeable goose egg.

Asked why she wielded the weapons, Stevens explained that her victim had "beat her up" in years past. The victim's version of events was that there was "a problem over a photo shoot approximately six years ago."

Police then posed the most obvious question of all: Why the sword.

"Because," explained Stevens, "I'm a pirate."

Her boyfriend was charged with being drunk in public, Stevens was charged with that and felony assault with a deadly weapon, and both were berthed in the county jail.

The object of the piratical wrath was treated for his injuries at Sonoma Valley Hospital and released.

In other incidents reported by local law enforcement:

Friday, March 25:

10:34 a.m. - Missing in Mexico. Two Sonoma Valley residents who went to Mexico in March to visit family, were reported missing and unaccounted for at the end of last week. Balthazar Maciel, 24, and Jose Bermudez, 20, reportedly left Michoacan, Mexico, on March 19 bound for Sonoma in their 2004 yellow Hummer. By April 1, they had not returned, and customs agents at the U.S.-Mexico border had no record of the two men making the crossing. Family members provided the account number for one of the men's ATM cards and bank records revealed it had been used twice on March 18 but not since. Sonoma police believe the two men are most likely still in Mexico.

Saturday, March 26:

2:17. p.m. - Vandalized Vanagon. A resident of the 900 block of Manor Drive reported that sometime during the previous night someone had made a small dent in the driver's side quarter-panel of his tan, 1987 Vanagon. He also discovered a small, one-inch star in the windshield. On the ground was a flattened lead pellet perfectly matching the dent. Police surmised some had shot at the victim's van with a pellet gun.

7:30 p.m. - From hot box to shot box. Alert readers will recall a red Nissan 240sx that, in the March 29 police report, was described by police as a "hot box" because it was used for the closed-door consumption of marijuana.

The same car came to police attention when they received a report of a hit-and-run accident on Andrieux Street. Investigating the report, police found a red 240sx with severe front end damage in a parking lot across from Sonoma Valley Hospital. Officers spread out to look for suspects and a security guard directed them toward Safeway. Two other suspects were meanwhile spotted walking south on Fifth Street West. One of them wore jeans covered with mud and when an officer conducted a pat search on his pockets the keys to the 240sx emerged. The owner explained that someone else was driving his car.

But the Safeway suspect, who had been detained by another officer, told a different tail, claiming that the car's owner had been driving wildly, spinning his tires, when he lost control and hit either a tree or a light pole.

The driver subsequently claimed he had been driving down Andrieux when he noticed he had a leaking tire and, by unusual coincidence, the throttle stuck, he lost control of the car and hit the tree.

The driver registered a .125 and a .108 on a preliminary breath test and on subsequent tests at the police department he blew a .10 and a .10. Based on the totality of the evidence against him, he was charged with DUI and booked into county jail. One of his associates turned out to be on a no-alcohol probation and was charged with public intoxication and violation of probation. He too was booked into jail.

9:06 p.m. - Damaged Durango. Police received a report of severe vandalism to a vehicle and were dispatched to the 100 block of Pine Street where the owner of a 2000 Dodge Durango showed officers the damage. Every surface of the black SUV had been heavily scratched, including the roof. Police said the vehicle would require a complete new paint job. The owner, a 30-year-old woman, said she had no enemies and that she and her ex-husband were on good terms.

Sunday, March 27:

1:09 a.m. - No place to pee. In a doorway next to a popular Plaza saloon, police on foot patrol spotted a man with his back to the sidewalk and a stream of fluid flowing past his feet. The officers interrupted his reverie with a question, to wit: Why don't you just pee in the tavern? The man explained that he couldn't because he wasn't 21 and couldn't go inside.

The man was, however, seriously intoxicated, said police, who cited him for violating the city's social host ordinance which prohibits minors being in possession of alcohol. The cooperative 20-year-old was cited out to the custody of his mother.

3:35 a.m. - Coke crash. Police were dispatched to a home in the 19800 block of Eighth Street East when a father called to report that his son was under the influence of some drug and out of control. When police arrived they heard loud noises coming from the son's bedroom, made entry and found the son inside with a broken chair on the floor. The 30-year-old son told police he had a drug problem, wanted help and had taken cocaine earlier in the day. He was charged with being under the influence of a controlled substance and was booked into the Sonoma County jail.

6:47 p.m. - Purse retrieved, wallet gone. A woman who left her purse behind at the Taco Bell restaurant on Verano Avenue, returned to retrieve it but discovered the wallet inside was gone. Missing were credit cards and birth documents for her children. The restaurant has surveillance cameras and police waiting to review videotapes in order to continue the investigation.

Tuesday, March 29:

1:39 a.m. - DUI, man-to-man. Police spotted a black Nissan Xterra traveling 40 to 45 miles an hour in the 800 block of West Spain, and straddling the double yellow line. They tried to pull the car over just east of Fifth Street West but the driver continued onward until stopping in front of what turned out to be the driver's home. When an officer asked why he didn't stop, the 34-year-old driver said he wanted to get home. Asked for his driver's license he proffered a military ID card.

When the officer had the driver perform some field sobriety tests, he was swaying side-to-side and displaying signs of intoxication. The officer asked how much the man had to drink and the suspect refused to answer, saying instead, "Let's talk man-to-man."

The officer replied, "OK, let's talk man-to-man; tell me how much have you had to drink."

The driver continued to suggest the two talk man-to-man and, at one point, suggested that the officer was "ruining my life."

At that point a passenger got out of the car, announced that he had more drinks than he could keep track off and needed to go to the bathroom. The passenger was released to go to the bathroom in the driver's house, the driver finally agreed to a preliminary breath test, and the result was a blood alcohol reading of .18 and .16. After refusing to take a legally certifiable test, the driver was charged with DUI and booked into the county jail.