A license to wet your lips
A California driver's license is approximately 2-inches by 3.5 inches in size and flat as a ... well, it's really flat.
A ChapStick is about 2-inches long, half-an-inch wide and utterly round.
These spatial distinctions would not concern the average citizen, but then the average citizen would not be passed out on a Plaza park bench at 1:54 in the morning. That's the time Sonoma police discovered a 26-year old San Francisco man on Friday, Aug. 5, bench surfing and dead to the world.
It took an officer repeated attempts to wake the wastrel from a sleep enhanced, all evidence indicated, by generous, if not extravagant, amounts of alcohol. Finally roused to something approaching consciousness, the recumbent visitor mumbled something unintelligible to an officer who in turn asked him for some form of identification.
The man fumbled through his pockets searching for ID and finally handed it to the office.
It was, of course, a tube of ChapStick, which has never, to Google's knowledge, been successfully employed as a legal license to drive.
The bench jockey was determined to be in a condition in which he might be a danger to himself or others and for which ChapStick would be no help. He was therefore charged with public intoxication and booked into the county jail.
In other incidents reported by local law enforcement:
Friday, Aug. 5:
1:42 a.m. - To sleep, perchance to dream? A 24-year-old El Verano man was found squatting amidst the foliage in the apex of the left turn where Sonoma Highway meets West Napa Street, his head buried between his knees. He was asleep. When a police officer discovered him and made contact, the man could only grunt unintelligible sounds and had great difficulty standing upright.
He was charged with public intoxication and, there being no better alternative, was booked into the county jail.
8:08 a.m. - Got the forbidden whiskey blues. There is nothing on the label of Knob Creek bourbon warning that possession while on probation with a no-alcohol clause may result in arrest. A 62-year-old Glen Ellen man who parked his motor home near the intersection of Manuella Lane and Smith Street might have wished to be forewarned. After three days of curb-camping, his presence aroused the concern of residents who notified police who knocked on the motor home's door, asked for ID and discovered that the mobile resident was on searchable probation.
A tour of the vehicle turned up the afore-mentioned Knob Creek, the probation expressly forbade it, the man was cited and told to move along.
11:55 p.m. - Pint-sized beers. A 53-year-old Petaluma man followed the practice of countless fellow-motorists and made an illegal left-hand turn from First Street West on to West Napa Street in a black Dodge Caravan. The police officer inevitably parked nearby witnessed the moving violation, stopped the van and contacted the driver whose breath revealed some alcohol consumption.
The driver confessed to "a few pint-sized beers," at the nearby tavern, a preliminary blood alcohol test measured .103 and a follow-up test at the police station came in at .11.
The man was charged with DUI and cited out to a friend.
Saturday, Aug. 6:
10:23 p.m. - Bad burn. A citizen with a business in the 600 block of First Street West called police to report that someone had draped fabric over the wooden fence at the rear of her business and set it on fire. Three boards were burned before the fire went out and police found a Camel cigarette butt at the site. The reporting party explained that the spot was a popular "skater hangout."
Sunday, Aug. 7:
1:29 a.m. - "Eyeballing" leads to assault. Police were called to a large fight outside a First Street East tavern where they found between 60 and 80 people standing in the middle of the street and one man badly beaten with blood all over his face and head.
As police reconstructed the incident from witness accounts, 28-year-old Walter Borges, of Sonoma, was sitting in the bar when he complained that another man was "eyeballing" him. Some sort of verbal altercation may have ensued, although the bartender told police he heard nothing while the men were in the bar. The object of Borges' ire left the bar, Borges and several friends followed, a fight broke out and the bar cleared. The victim, a 24-year-old man, also of Sonoma, was knocked to the ground where Borges reportedly kicked him numerous times in the face and head.
When police arrived they found the victim bloodied, with abrasions to the face and ear, but no life-threatening injuries.
Borges told police the man jumped him but witness accounts differed. The victim was treated by paramedics and Borges was charged with felony assault with a deadly weapon - the weapon being his shoes and feet. He was booked into the county jail.
2:34 a.m. - Brass knuckles and a DUI. While on patrol on Agua Caliente Road, a deputy noticed a car coming toward him with its bright lights on. The deputy flashed his brights back at the vehicle to no avail. The deputy then turned around and pulled the vehicle over in the 17100 block of Sonoma Highway. The driver told the deputy he had just bought the car and didn't know the lights were on high.
While talking to the driver, the deputy noticed the man talked slowly and was smacking his lips. When the driver reached for his wallet, the deputy saw a set of metal knuckles under the man's shirt. After getting the man out of the truck, the deputy found that the knuckles were attached to a black studded belt. The deputy arrested Johan Tinoco-Reyes, 19, of Rohnert Park on felony charges of possession of a dangerous weapon. The deputy also had Tinoco-Reyes perform some field sobriety tests and a preliminary alcohol screening, on which he blew a .143 and a .141 BAC, so the deputy added a DUI charge.
9:10 a.m. - Unlocked garage, two bikes gone. A resident in the 1100 block of Neil Court told police two bicycles were stolen from his unlocked garage sometime during the night. The garage door was closed but unlocked the previous night, the victim said, and in the morning he found the door open. Missing was a blue, 2005 Trek Remedy full-suspension mountain bike, worth $2,700, and a black and blue 2011 Finner XLT BMX bike, worth $700.